Ring, ring.
“Welcome to the Dead Line, where we care about your last requests. How can I help you?”
“What? You called me. What are you talking about?”
“This is the Dead Line, your one phone call before the Afterlife. How can I help you?”
“Afterlife — oh. Damn it.”
“Yes. Please take a moment to relax, and take in this information.”
“I’m going to need more than just a damn moment, I’m dead!”
“You’ll have all the time you will ever need to process this, but we must limit our calls to five minutes.”
“Five minutes? … What the hell kind of–”
“Do you believe in hell?”
“I– yeah?”
“So, is the Heaven and Hell package the afterlife you’re looking for?”
“Package? What–”
“Here at the Dead Line, we offer support for over four thousand religions. We are here to help you in your final moments and find the best afterlife for you.”
“That– that seems like it’d contradict a lot of religions.”
“We find a way.”
“So… God is real?”
“That is one name they go by, yes. One covers the Heaven and Hell package.”
“There’s several gods?”
“We offer support for over four thousand religions. It’s easier to have several beings to cover them all.”
“But that just contradicts–”
“There’s no need to overthink. Again, we have only five minutes, and I still need to transfer you. So, Heaven and Hell package?”
“I– yes. I guess.”
“Wonderful. Before I transfer you, I’ll need your name, and your last words.”
“Uh. Dan, Daniel Abbott. And, uh. Last words?”
“Your last words.”
“Um… Fuck, I don’t–”
“‘Fuck’ it is. Now, I’ll need to transfer you. Please hold.”
“No wait–!”
Click.
“Hello, welcome to the Dead Line, and thank you for choosing the Heaven and Hell package! I’m Pete, and I will be helping you move on. Can you please tell me your name?”
“Ugh. Daniel Abbott.”
“Alright, one moment, please. Okay– here you are! Oh dear. It appears that you’ll be going to hell.”
“What? Ugh. Fuckin’ figures.”
“Well, you have the chance to upgrade to Heaven, but that’ll take some extra paperwork and some effort on your part.”
“What did it? Was it the–”
“It says here you were killed in a gunfight.”
“I was trying to–”
“Avenge your family, yes? I am aware. And, well, technically I’m not supposed to share this information, but… your daughter was accepted into heaven.”
“…Oh. Good. Is… heaven actually nice?”
“Oh, of course! It’s one of our best versions of the afterlife, in my personal opinion!”
“Good. So… what will it take to get me into heaven?”
“Well, I’ll have to fill out some paperwork first, unfortunately, and that may take awhile, and you’ll have to stay in purgatory for a little while. We’ll have to process all of your sins, as well.”
“Well, how bad is hell?”
“Sir, it’s called hell for a reason.”
“Ugh… alright. How long will it take?”
“Well, you’ll have all the time you’ll ever need, so in the long run, it’ll seem like nothing! A few years, at most.”
“…Will I get to see my daughter when I get into heaven?”
“If you get into Heaven, there’s a good chance.”
“Alright. I’ve waited five years. I can wait more.”
“Wonderful! I’ll have to transfer you to the purgatory line, in that case.”
“Fine. I’m pretty sure this is hell if I keep getting transferred.”
“Haha! Everyone says that. Well, thank you for your time, and enjoy your afterlife! We here at the Dead Line do our best to find the best end for you. Rest in peace!”
Click.
