The First Book According to Self Becomings/Kaitlyn Herman

I am baptized in the cold waters of disorder and self-loathing.  
I am entrapped by white marble and empty pews. Boisterous  
voices give lucid visions of bodily temples. A place for respect  
and honor. A place to keep modest and holy. A place to 
keep hollow—and so I did.  

2 Through abstinence and purity rings, I pledged my virginity at  
twelve. I didn’t know what sex was, but I knew it was bad. 
How can I sign away what I do not know?  
How can a salubrious doctrine tell me so much, while  
saying so little?  

3 I am from Adam and Eve. I am born to bear fruit. I 
am born to cover, shield, and keep modest. I am made for 
procreation, not masturbation. If my right hand  
causes me to sin, I must cut it off and throw it away.  
It is better for me to lose one part of my body than  
for my whole body to go to hell. 

4 My meaningless voids are filled by sermons 
and confessionals. My confirmation is not a choice, 
it is a forceful will. “Pick a saint”…“Who best represents you.”  
But who am I? I am an unrighteous woman. I am Mary Magdalen.  
In my divine divulgence, I expel all my sins; yet I am still  
empty. I sing a requiem for my body. 

5 I feel so vacant in the linear light of god, but am fulfilled  
by my naked figure in the smooth silhouette of silk sheets. 
I am undone by quivering hands, joyously  
unraveling the seams of my womanhood.  

I break the hymen of religion.  

In between feminine thighs and queer awakenings, I unbind  
myself from the tethered ropes of biblical snares; I am free. 

6 And god saw everything that I had destroyed, and behold,  
I was unworthy—but it felt so good. And so god blessed  
the seventh day, and sacrificed me: because in it  
I had betrayed him, 

                                                  —and it felt so good. 

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Kaitlyn graduated from St. Norbert College in 2022 with a bachelor’s degree in English. After graduation, Kaitlyn moved to back to Colorado for her second summer as an Outdoor Literacy Educator in Steamboat Springs. She is currently teaching young Colorado youth all the wonders of reading and writing—from Harry Potter, to Hatchet, to Land of Stories! In her free time, Kaitlyn enjoys spending time outdoors with family and friends, blogging, reading and writing poetry, playing solitaire, and collecting vinyls.